


hold my hand, and don’t let me go

by misslulufats



Category: psychopath diary
Genre: Angst, Drama, High School AU, Hurt/Comfort, Innocent Dongshik, M/M, Park sunghoon - Freeform, Psychopath Inwoo, Yoon Shi Yoon - Freeform, sick dongshik because i want inwoo to take care of him
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:15:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26674246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misslulufats/pseuds/misslulufats
Summary: He was supposed to kill him, but when he saw that fluffy haired boy smile so brightly at him, Inwoo couldn’t help but fall so madly in love with the boy who was supposed to die in his hands.Please do not post anywhere else. This is going to be a very short story, because I have ran out of Seo Inwoo/Yook Dongshik fanfics to read. Can someone make more? I just wanna read tbh, not write lmao.
Relationships: Seo Inwoo/Yook Dongshik, Seo Inwoo/Yook Dongsik
Comments: 23
Kudos: 58





	1. Prologue

Seo Inwoo: 

I was supposed to kill him. Of all the people I met, he seemed like the easiest target. Or so I thought. 

When Yook Dongshik smiled at me for the first time, I realized I was doomed. I couldn’t help fall but fall madly in love with him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TBC- Bcoz Why Not!  
>  I don’t even know if I’m going to continue this.  
>  It depends on my mood. ;;


	2. His smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And then... there’s that one boy who keeps on smiling at him while the rest of world fear him.

I was supposed to kill him. Of all the people I met, he seemed like the easiest target. Or so I thought.

When Yook Dongshik smiled at me for the first time, I realized I was doomed. I couldn’t help fall but fall madly in love with him... 

No, don’t smile back. Don’t look at him. Don’t even think about him. That’s what I always tell myself, but there are some things out of my control. Yook Dongshik grand entrance in my life was one of those things I couldn’t control. 

“Seo Inwoo,” he’d call my name with a smile. With just that, he’d make me hate and yet long for him. 

We were just high school students. I was always the top in school, and Yook Dongshik was one of those average students nobody really pay attention to. Nobody noticed him, but me. The psychopath nobody knew about. 

I had killed several other people in the past, at least once every six months. I usually go for the weak ones, the ones nobody sees, so that nobody can know they had died. Yook Dongshik was weak, but he wasn’t as easy as I had once thought. 

He always bothered me, and yet, instead of hurting him right then and there, I ended up listening to him and staring at him for so long he could’ve melted. 

Most of the time, however, I would ignore him. 

Yook Dongshik was good at being unnoticed. He didn’t have any friends. He always ate his lunch at the rooftop where I would be sleeping during lunch. He avoided any physical activities at school. He was always alone, but whenever we passed by each other or whenever he saw me, he would always smile. 

And I never understood why such a beautiful yet weak creature like him offered me such a comforting smile as if he knew I needed it. 

“Aren’t you hungry?” He’d asked me one day, offering his lunch toward me. “Here, eat mine. I’m not hungry anyways.” 

I rolled my eyes and looked away. “I don’t eat lunch,” I said. 

“Oh come on, at least try it. I made these. Can’t you at least taste it?” 

No, I don’t want to. I should’ve said that, but for some reason, my body moved on its own. I grabbed a bite of the food he offered, then another, and another. I liked it, and Yook Dongshik liked that I enjoyed it. He laughed so beautifully, his fluffy hair shining bright under the sun along with his genuine laughter. 

“I’m Yook Dongshik by the way—“ He said. 

“I know,” I told him. “You’re in rank 50.” 

“Whoa, you know even that?” And he laughed again. 

For the days that followed, Dongshik kept on following me, and I let him be. And during those days, I had forgotten that I hadn’t killed anyone for seven months already. I just lived without thinking of any but seeing Yook Dongshik’s beautiful smile. 

But then one day, I ended up pushing him away. When my Stepbrother, Jihoon, started bullying him for hanging out with me, I didn’t help him. I simply watched and let Jihoon along with his friends hit the person I wanted to see the most. 

Ever since that day, Dongshik and I ceased hanging out together. Whenever he tried to smile at me, I looked away and turned my back on him, afraid Jihoon would tell my father that I had been befriending a boy below my family’s high standard.

Instead of talking to Dongshik, I looked for another target. And I found one, but then, just when I was about to stab that person in the heart, I thought of Yook Dongshik’s innocent smile. 

And I remembered the last thing he’d said to me before we parted. We were at the roller coaster at that time. Just the two of us, hanging out. He forced me to come with him, and I couldn’t say no because he was too cute. He said he was afraid of heights. He said that and yet he wanted to get on the ride, saying he believed in me. Then he said, “Hold my hand, and don’t ever let me go.” 

I didn’t say a word back to him, but I held on to him tightly that day. I wanted to tell him not to worry because I would protect him, but fear held me back. To me, and to my father, I was just a psychopath. I feared that I would be looked down upon if I gave in to my feelings for Dongshik. So I said nothing. Even as we walked home, I said nothing. Even when my stepbrother was beating him up, I said nothing. Even when he thought of forgiving me, I said nothing. Even when he smiled at me again, I said nothing. Even when he offered me his lunch again, I said nothing. I walked away from him instead. 

In the end, I couldn’t keep on holding his hand. In the end, I let him go. 

The next day after my attempt of killing another person, Yook Dongshik didn’t come to school. 

It’s been a month since then. 

Then one day, I went to see my homeroom teacher after class. I paused and gulped before asking, “Is Yook Dongshik coming back to school?” 

“Yook Dongshik?” She asked, and thought for a moment. “Ah, that poor boy... Were you friends with him?”

I raised my eyebrows and asked again in a more threatening tone, “Is he coming back?” 

“I guess not,” she said. “Yook Dongshik dropped out of school.” 

“What?” I asked, surprised. “Is it because he got bullied?”

“Bullied? Did you bully him?” She hissed. “Or did you see him get bullied? Seo Inwoo, when something like that happens, you need to inform your teachers.” 

“Ah, well—“

“Aish. It’s not about that. It seems Yook Dongshik is Very sick. He’s been in the hospital for a while, so his family dropped him out of school.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing then. 

“I’m sorry what?” I asked.

In the end, I really did let him go. I let him go through pain alone.


	3. His tears.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Seo Inwoo could see through Yook Dongshik, but so did Dongshik.

I’ve always been good at lying, and sometimes I can even read other people’s minds. Except Yook Dongshik’s. At least not until the day I went to visit him. I knew some of his words were lies. Just some of it. 

I searched for him at the hospital first, but as expected, Dongshik was no longer there. I got his address from the homeroom teacher instead, and then I drove there to see him. Was I worried? Who knows... I had no idea why I did what I did. Maybe I just wanted to see him. 

It seemed like Dongshik was living inside a Korean Barbecue Restaurant with his family. When I arrived, I saw Dongshik sitting at the corner, looking through the window with a blank face until he noticed me standing by the bench, waiting for him. His complexion brightened then and he hurried outside to meet me. 

“In-woo yah,” he called as he approached me slowly. 

I swallowed. “How many times do I have to tell not to call me so comfortably like that?” I reminded him. Nobody ever called me like that, except my mom, who already passed away. Ever since then, I disliked it when people called me without formalities. I hated it. But, I didn’t exactly hate it whenever Dongshik says it. 

“Ah, sorry,” he said and looked down. I looked at him from head to toe, and noticed that he looked like he had lost weight, and that he was rather pale up close. 

“Are you okay?” I asked.

He peeked at me slightly, then look down again as he fidgeted his fingers. “I’m fine,” he mumbled. “I can’t go back to school though.” 

“Why?” 

“Well— just because.” 

“Are you . . . very sick?” 

“Eh?” He looked at me quickly then shook his head and laughed. “No, it’s not like that. I just had an accident, but I’m alright now.” 

“Then why aren’t you coming back to school?” I prodded. 

“That—“ he stuttered, “that’s because . . . Well, last time, Jihoon and the others beat me up pretty badly . . . How can I come back to the school? I don’t want to get beaten up again. Anyways, I don’t belong in that school.” 

“What accident?” I cut in, not convinced by his reasons or the bullying. “What accident made you such a coward?” 

“Coward?” He blinked, then he chuckled, but it almost sounded sad. “I’ve always been coward. What are you talking about?” 

“No, you weren’t a coward. You smiled at me. Of all the people you can befriend, you approached me,” I said. “Didn’t you know that the entire school fear me? Haven’t you heard about the rumors around me? If you were a coward, you should have ignored me.”

Dongshik’s smile faded away instantly. He looked guilty. I shouldn’t have felt something, but it irked me that his expression made me confirm my readings about him.

Dongshik might have smiled at me, but I knew right then and there that he wasn’t telling the whole truth. His smile was sadder, and his words were trembling, as if he was lying. I wanted to just believe in his lies, though. Just because it was Yook Dongshik talking. 

“You’re right,” he mumbled. “I know.” 

“What?” 

“I know that you have a hobby,” he added as I widened my eyes in surprise. “That those rumors aren’t just rumors.” 

“You...” 

“I saw you kill a cat once,” he blurted out as he looked straight into my eyes with his teary ones. “Of course, I didn’t say anything. I‘m a coward after all. I also lied about being sick. I actually jumped in front of a car so that I can convince my family to drop me out of school. The truth is, I’m not only scared of your brother, I’m scared of you too. That’s why—” 

“Is that so? Is that why you approached me? So that you can trick me into becoming your friend, and so that I wouldn’t kill you like I did with that cat?” I asked angrily. 

“Eh?” 

“Were you afraid that I would kill you too?” 

“In-woo yah...” 

“Yook Dongshik, you telling me this... do you really think I won’t hurt you just because you dropped out of school? No... I don’t mind hurting you at all. Since you already saw me kill a cat anyway, you should know I’ve killed people too. You don’t think I can do that to you, do you?” I asked insolently, losing control of my tone as anger and fear of being discovered by others grew inside me drastically. 

Then came silence. 

At that moment, I wanted to see the fear in Dongshik’s eyes. He should’ve had it, but there was nothing like that at all. He said he was scared of me, but I couldn’t see it in his eyes. I saw tears instead, coursing down his cheeks continuously as sadness and pain filled his orbs. Dongshik knew about me, that was for sure, but what he said about dropping out because he was scared of me? There was something unsettling about that, and yet I had no evidence; hence, I couldn’t stop myself from freaking out.

“Why? Why are you crying?” I raised an eyebrow, part of me was annoyed and the other was worried. “Why are you crying?!” I repeated, raising my voice. 

“I—I’m sorry,” he whispered as he wiped his tears with his sleeves, then he rushed inside the restaurant, leaving me confused of my own feelings. 

Was I angry at him to the point that I wanted to kill him, or was I angry at him because I was worried about him?


	4. His Warmth.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After persistently ignoring Yook Dongshik, Seo Inwoo just realized that he is indeed worried about the latter.

Ever since that day, I haven’t been myself. I couldn’t eat and sleep well. I couldn’t do anything but think about him. Is he eating well? Is he sleeping well? Is he feeling better? I had these questions in my head instead. 

After a week had passed, I took advantage of the first school field trip since senior year. I usually skipped those kinds of events, until Yook Dongshik invaded my mind. 

The field trip took place during the day. Everyone had their own partner as they hiked side by side, following the teacher who led the way. I stayed behind, lost in my own daydream, of Yook Dongshik being by my side. Of course, he wasn’t there. He’d long dropped out of school. But if he were here, he would be insisting to be my partner, I thought. Then with that genuine smile of his, how could I say no? 

When I saw a beautiful view from the top of a hill, I stopped on my tracks and gazed at the green nature before me. Yook Dongshik would be amazed he saw this, I thought again. Then why did I say those stuff to him? Why did I threaten his life when I didn’t even mean it? 

When I was about to leave, I noticed that my classmates and teacher were already long gone. I sighed, turned around, and saw Yook Dongshik’s figure.

I thought I was hallucinating at first, but he smiled and he spoke, and I realized he was really there. “Hey,” he said. 

“Yook Dongshik,” I muttered. “What are you doing here?” 

“I came to apologize about yesterday,” he replied. “I didn’t mean to—“ 

“You really should avoid me, Dongshik. If you don’t,” I warned him, “I might end up hurting you.” 

“You wont hurt me.”

I scoffed. “How can you be so sure?” 

“I just know it,” he said. 

“Well, you’re wrong,” I said before turning back again. I continued to walk away from him, afraid he’d be able to break through my walls. But instead of leaving me alone, Dongshik followed me through the rocky road. 

He didn’t say anything else. He just followed behind me like a fool, as if he ha a death wish or something. Shortly, it started to rain. It was slow at first, but within a few minutes, the rain started to grow stronger, making it hard to hear his footsteps or hike over the rocks and muddy ground. 

Then I heard a yelp. I was going to ignore it, but I ended up turning my head in a haste, afraid he was hurt. Panic soon rose inside me when he was nowhere to be found, and I could no longer hear him or his delicate footsteps. 

“Yook Dongshik?” I called, quietly at first, and when there was no reply, I shouted his name. “Yook Dongshik!” It was so unlike me. I felt different all of a sudden. I looked for him frantically, calling out his name repeatedly. After what felt like forever, I caught a sight of his water bottle down a cliff. Without a second thought, I slid down the slope and scanned my surroundings when I reached the flat ground. 

Yook Dongshik was down there, leaning against a big rock with mud all over his clothes and shoes. 

“Ya! Yook Dongshik!” I ran toward him, patted his face to try and wake him up. 

Dongshik opened his eyes slightly, but he seemed to be in pain still. 

“Are you hurt somewhere?” I asked worriedly. 

“I’m sorry . . . I think I sprained my ankle a bit,” he whispered before collapsing in my arms. 

I froze. “Dongshik-shi?” I touched his skin with my palm, and I gasped when I felt his temperature. He was warm. Too warm that it made me even more worried than I already was for him. “Ya... wake up,” I mumbled nervously. “Wake up...” I repeated over and over again, and for the first time since my mother’s death, a single tear escaped my eyes. 

Yook Dongshik was not responding. Instead, his lifeless hands fell on his sides. Every second I wasted, his body heat grew abnormally despite the cold weather and rain that enveloped him. I had a sudden realization then, that for the first time in so long, I was worried about someone else other than myself.


	5. His Favor.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yook Dongshik asks Seo Inwoo a favor. Inwoo’s pretty good at it, but would he actually do it?

The last time I cared for someone was when I was twelve years old. Before my mother passed away, that is. I still remember how in pain she was back then, and Dongshik was doing the same thing, moaning as if there were needles inside his body. 

After carrying Dongshik on my back and finding us a cave to rest, I laid him on the ground and checked my bag for some extra clothes, which were all soaked but not as soaked as our current clothes. However, when I tried to change Dongshik’s wet clothes, he grabbed my hand as he managed to sit up and mumble, “No. I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not fine.” I insisted over and over again. 

Few minutes later, I finally gave up and shoved my clothes back into my backpack, annoyed. “If you don’t want to be taken care of, fine. Suit yourself,” I said and left him there. But of course, I came back, with a few dry firewoods I picked near the shed. Without talking to Dongshik, I created a fire to warm us up in the night, while at the same time, stealing glances at him.

Dongshik was just watching the fire with me. He was leaning against the concrete wall with his eyes droopy, and his body shaking. When he caught me looking, he hugged himself and shut his eyes closed before taking a deep breath. “In-woo yah...” he called softly. 

“Don’t talk to me,” I said and looked away. I wanted to go to him so badly, treat his sprained ankle, and maybe...just maybe, wrap his freezing body in my arms? But it was hard to admit that when he was wide awake and insistent that he was okay. 

“Do you hate me?” He asked. 

“I never said that,” I answered. 

“Then...” he hesitated. “Can you hug me?”

The moment those words came out of his mouth, I froze with confusion written all over my face. Then I met his gaze, and my hardened heart seemed to have softened at his sight. I wanted to just go ahead and embrace him, but instead, I asked, “Why would I do that for you? You pushed me away earlier when I was just trying to help you.”

“That’s because—“ he sighed, “I didn’t want you to see the bruises on my body.” 

I paused and thought for a moment if that was because of my stepbrother bullying him. “Then why do you want me to hug you?” 

”Im cold...” he pouted. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to...” he trailed off as he hugged his knees, then a grimace formed on his face as he looked at his foot and massaged it carefully. 

Heaving a disapproving sigh, I stood up and walked up toward him to help him with his sprained ankle as quietly as I could. At that moment, I could feel Dongshik’s gaze at me as I focused on treating his swollen foot with the first-aid kit from my backpack. 

“I’m sorry I lied to you,” he said sadly. “I’m not scared of you, In-woo yah. I never was.” 

“Don’t talk. Just try to relax and sleep. If you keep forcing yourself to talk, your fever might get worse,” I told him, but Dongshik didn’t listen. 

To my surprise, he said with a weak tone, “I’ve always liked you.” 

Then there was silence. I didn’t reply to him. After applying a bandage around his foot, I stepped away from him and closer to the fire. I thought about the last thing he’d said to me, wondered what made him say those words or what he saw in me. Why like someone whom he saw killed a cat? Is this dude a masochist? Even though I already knew the answer to that, I still asked myself. How could someone like Yook Dongshik exist? He was such a good person. He was too good for me.

Eventually, I fell asleep. It felt rather short though. When I opened my eyes, the fire was still up and I was feeling its warmth better than before. The rain also seemed to have stopped, but the sky was dark and without the fire, the air was painful and biting cold. 

Everything seemed to have improved at the least, except Yook Dongshik’s condition. When I turned my attention to him, he was curled up on the ground, coughing repeatedly with his hands clutched against his chest and tears brimming in his eyes. 

Without a word, I dashed toward him, helped him sit up and lean on my shoulder for support as I patted his back gently. But Dongshik’s coughs was persistent, and the excruciating pain he was going through was evident on his pale face. I couldn’t help but feel useless. It reminded me of my mother dying in pain and my useless self who couldn’t do anything for her. 

And I couldn’t do anything for Dongshik either. I could only wrap him in my arms as I try to keep him warm, but I couldn’t take his pain away, so I felt useless. 

For the rest of the night, we stayed like that, with Dongshik in my arms, who was trying to sleep but failing to do so due to his persistent coughing and obvious pain in the chest. If only the rain would stop pouring, and if only the sun would rise again, I could take Dongshik out of this place, I thought. 

Then all of a sudden, Dongshik’s voice snapped me back to reality. “In-woo yah,” he whispered hoarsely. “Can I... Can I ask you a favor?”

I pulled him closer and protectively. “Mmm...” I nodded my head, anticipating his response. 

“Can you...” he started. “Can you...kill me...?”

But when I heard it from him, I felt a million needles piercing its way into my heart. 

“I...I’m tired,” Dongshik added with a coughing fit, “really tired... Everyday, everything hurts. I just...I just want to...I just want to die quickly.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *screams* what *screams*  
> This is so dramatic, isn’t it? Lol.


	6. Mother.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dongshik reminds Inwoo of his Mom. Inwoo loves this boy, alright. But...Inwoo’s a murderer, isn’t he?

It was like Yook Dongshik knew so much about me even though I never told him anything about myself. 

Yook Dongshik, who was far too different from all the people I had met, managed to make me feel this way. Like a brittle ice, breaking against its will after being exposed to outside its hiding place. Dongshik was different, but he still reminded me of my mother. 

You see... I killed my mother. 

Eight years ago, my mother was suffering from a terminal disease. She was a doctor, but she couldn’t treat herself. I heard her disease was incurable, and she believed that too despite her being able to save other people’s lives before. I listened to her painful cries every fucking day, and I cried along with her until I had ran out of tears. I avoided my mom as much possible, afraid I’d her witness her pitiful state and end up hurting myself. But one night, I couldn’t help it. 

Something fell from her room. 

I rushed inside, panting, and then I noticed the shards of glass on the ceramic floor. My mother was sitting at the edge of her bed; her face pale, and her eyes all swollen and red from crying. There was a grimace on her face as she clutched her stomach, but when she found me by the door, that pained expression brightened into a smile. A wistful one.

“Mom, are you ok? Do you need anything?” I remember asking her, worried she would collapse again. 

My mother smiled once more before pointing her arms toward the cabinet beside the doorway. “My medicine... It’s inside,” she managed to say. 

Frantic, I opened the cabinet and looked for her pill box. When I gave her one from the box, she shook her head, and told me to give her the bottle instead. I only did as she asked me to do, that’s what I kept telling myself. I only wanted to help her. 

Mother gulped down everything in that bottle. The next day and the following days after that, she never woke up. When the ambulance arrived and checked on her, they announced her death with regret. When they found the last bottle she drank underneath her pillow and showed it to my mother’s healthcare provider, we figured out why she passed away so suddenly when it was clearly stated that she still had six months to live. They said my mother died peacefully because of that illegal bottle of medicine: euthanasia drugs. 

Because I gave her that, I ended up killing my own mother. My father must have known, because he never looked at me the same after her death. He was always scared I’d kill my brother too. 

And that’s when I started killing other people. The more I did it, the easier it became. Until now. With Dongshik in my arms, I felt like that innocent child again. 

“Kill you?” I chuckled softly, pulled him closer as I whispered into his reddened ears, “Don’t be silly, Yook Dongshik. Are you in that much pain?” 

“Yeah... It hurts.” He covered his mouth with his hand as he coughed repeatedly, and when it was over, he put his hand down to his lap and I saw blood on it. 

Seeing Dongshik in so much pain hurt me too. Ever since my mother’s death, it became a normal routine for me to watch people suffer, and I always enjoyed it. Hurting people, making fun of the weak, making them cry out of pain, and killing them without mercy. I used to love those bad habits of mine like a psycho. I used to... but now, I couldn’t find pleasure in them anymore. 

“Don’t be in pain,” I said as I felt a lump in my throat. “I don’t like it. Just bear with it, ok? You’ll be okay. I promise. I’ll hold your hand, and I won’t let you go. You’ll be okay... Dongshik-ah. You’ll be okay.”

But... will he really be okay?

Dongshik was falling asleep. His eyes were closing on him, and yet he was still expressing his pain through his expressions and his voice. It was like he was dying, and it was painful to watch because he was hurting. Just like my mom eight years ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep delaying the ending because I had to stop writing... it’s almost 12am. Lol.


End file.
